With its emphasis on respect, independence, and connection, Montessori parenting offers helpful strategies for navigating power struggles with young children, even from an early age. In the first six years, children are forming their sense of self, learning boundaries, and testing limits. The Montessori approach provides ways to respond to these developmentally typical behaviors that foster cooperation and mutual respect, making both parents and children feel more empowered and connected.

Here are some tips for navigating power struggles with children aged 1-6 years, in a Montessori way:

Prepare the Environment for Success

• Child-Friendly Spaces. Ensure that the child’s environment is adapted to their size and abilities so they can access things they need (toys, utensils, etc.) without always needing help. This promotes autonomy and reduces friction.
• Limited Choices. Offering two choices within your comfort zone (“Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?”) gives a child a sense of control within boundaries that work for you, too.

Observe Before Reacting

• Understanding the "Why.” In Montessori, observation is key. Try to understand what might be driving the behavior. Are they tired, hungry, or perhaps seeking independence? Taking a moment to observe can help you respond with empathy rather than react with frustration.
• Reflect Their Feelings. Validating their emotions by saying, “I see you’re upset,” helps children feel understood, even if they don’t get what they want.

Practice "Yes" as Often as Possible

• Redirecting Behavior. Rather than saying “no” often, find ways to say “yes” in safe contexts. For example, if they want to pour water, you could set up a designated pouring station where they can practice safely. This approach acknowledges their curiosity and need for exploration.
• Positive Phrasing. Instead of “don’t touch that,” try “let’s touch this instead.” This redirection reinforces a positive focus rather than on prohibition.

Model Respectful Communication

• Use Gentle Commands and Choices. Phrasing directions as “I need you to…” or “please help me by…” fosters cooperation. Avoid using commands that imply a power imbalance, like “you have to.”
• Stay Calm and Consistent. Children often mirror our emotions. By modeling calm responses and consistency, you create a secure framework within which they feel safe to explore and learn.

Encourage Independence

• Allow Them to Try Things on Their Own. Whether it’s putting on shoes or wiping up spills, encouraging them to try things for themselves reduces frustration, boosts confidence, and fosters a sense of accomplishment.
• Respect the Pace. Allow extra time for tasks, as young children need a slower pace. This reduces rushed situations that can often lead to power struggles.

Embrace Natural or Logical Consequences

• Avoid Punishments. Instead of imposing arbitrary punishments, allow natural consequences to take place. For instance, if a child throws their toy, the natural consequence might be that they must pick it up or the toy is put away temporarily.
• Learning Through Experience. Children learn through hands-on experiences. Consequences should be related to the behavior and presented with kindness, which encourages learning over fear of punishment.

Prioritize Connection Over Correction

• Spend One-on-One Time. Spending time connecting can reduce power struggles. When children feel connected and understood, they’re more likely to cooperate.
• Repair and Reconnect After Disputes. If a power struggle escalates, take time to reconnect afterward. Acknowledge feelings and offer a hug or a comforting touch.

More Joy, Less Grief

Montessori parenting emphasizes the respectful treatment of children as capable individuals. By fostering an environment of mutual respect, we can navigate power struggles in ways that build trust, independence, and emotional intelligence in children.

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About Hala Kahiki

Designed for children 18 months – 6 years, Hala Kahiki is the first and only authentic Montessori school on Lāna’i.  Under the guiding influence of specially trained teachers, children work with multi-sensorial materials to help them learn to think critically and become well-rounded global citizens.  We would love to partner with you to give your children the best-possible early childhood education; please let us know how we can help you achieve your goals for your child.